Greedy

Tastes. Sounds. Skin
I want it all. I don't want hers, I want yours. Only cause you won't give it to me. I've begged for years, I've asked nicely. Now, I'm taking it. Just cause I want it, cause you won't gimmie it.
What is it about needy eyes and big breasts that make you weak? I have neither. Look into my eyes and see that I need you. Place yourself in my breasts and see they are enough.
After so long, weak from whining, I'm taking. I want it all.
The way you taste. The sound of your heartbeat. The strength in your skin.
It was mine to begin with

Awake in the dark with the sounds of the night
Slow heavy breathing, the rise and fall of your chest
The comfort of laying next to you with the thought of morning right outside our window

Tomorrow I will love you

Tonight I will watch you sleep

Last Day of Winter (to my Future)

Cold, Still, Waiting.
Underneath an icy bleak stillness
Lies the prospect of new beginnings

Cold hearts pump fresh ideas
Dead on the outside
Worthless and unresponsive to the keenest eyes
Life on the verge of breaking

Still in itself
Waiting for the right elements
Sprinkle of love
Ray of acceptance
Surrounded by grace

Unknowing, even to itself
Love grows within

Place

I've gone to that place that eyes do not see
The darkness that only blues and Negro spirituals can soothe
The pit that tears won't fill
Second best to nothing
Losing to failure
The spot right after heartbreak
In front of suicide

I live in the apartment next door to depression
Around the corner from giving a fuck

Jazz sounds
Like noise
Beethoven
Deaf guy on piano
Layla
sounds hoarse
India
Needs guitar tuner
Alicia
Off key
And the Holy Spirit is just another lonely ghost on Halloween

I'm in that place
Without you

So Long

It has been so long since I put pen to paper. So long since I said what needed to be said. So long since I stopped pretending and now all I'm left with is the possibility of "So Long".

Life has the funniest way of turning on you, of taking off your shades and what seemed like a bright sunny day turns out to be dry barren desert. The things we do to keep ourselves from giving up. We deny, we refuse, we lie to ourselves, we blame the other person. What we don't do is deal. I'm not talking about pseudo-dealing. The kind where you think if you ignore the issue, don't talk about it, don't address it, forbid it from being a part of your life then it will go away. I'm talking about the dealing that hurts because it forces us to tell the truth about ourselves to OURSELVES. It makes us realize that as wonderful as we may be there is room for growth and that growing is NEVER a pleasant process. Real dealing is willing to continue working through a situation until it is worked through, sometimes acknowledging that an issue hasn't gone away because we wont let it, and realizing that some issues will NEVER be resolved the just have to be worked through.

I listened to a shaman the other day, Ravi (something or the other), who said, "It is struggling that breeds the struggle". I had to stop for a second, damn. He went on to say that the more we try to not be what we are the more we are what we are. He said the only way to work through a situation is to accept it. Accept that whatever you are feeling right now is how you should be feeling because you feel it. Accept that you are what you are right now and that you can not change what you are right now. The shaman went forward to enlighten me and said that the only way to change is THROUGH acceptance. You can not go around the truth, only through it. You can not deny who, what, and how you are. You can only accept it and make the effort to become what you want AND THEN be happy in the becoming. True happiness/bliss comes with the acceptance of what you are right now and accepting the absence of what you are not.

I am not _________ and I understand and accept that. I am going to work towards becoming ____________ and I am going to enjoy the process even if the goal can not/will not ever be reached.

This is personal. This can not be forced on another person. This can only be accepted by one's self.

So long.

That Man

He works my nerves

He works hard

He drives me crazy

He drives my mom around

He’s so mean to me

He means the best

He hurts my feelings

He’ll hurt a nigga

He’s don’t budge at all

He don’t lie at all

He don’t complain at all

He don’t cheat at all

He don’t cry at all

He don’t whine at all

He don’t feel out loud

He don’t love out loud

He wont scream out loud

 

That man

My Hair (not poetry)

I think I'm about to do this think for real now. I promised someone that I would grow my hair, to me that meant a lot of things. That meant that I would love myself the way he loves me, nothing artificial, just me for me. It meant that unlike my past self I would not chop my hair each time a person walked out of my life (because he is not going anywhere and honestly he's never gone anywhere, I'm the one that has done the leaving). So I promised to pour some love into my hair, to grow it like our relationship, to spend some quality time getting to know me as he had done and to love myself for whatever I discovered on the journey. He came to visit me this past weekend and before he came I did some cleaning. Fun and painful going through old memories, throwing things that needed to be thrown, keeping what needed to be kept. Letting go, lightening my load. I let a lot of things go and it felt soooo good, even the hurt felt good because it was a new kind of pain, not the old kind. The kind of pain that you get when you pour alcohol on a wound, the "germ killing" pain that does you more good than harm and lets you know that your wound will heal. So after throwing away some old things I realized today that I'm still hanging on to one old thing, my permed hair. It looks like my heart used to look until the healing process began, dry, shiny, non-cooperative with the new goodness that is growing out of my scalp. So tonight I am going to go home and cut this shit outta my head. I'm going to do my favorite things and color my hair a happy color and I'm going to revel and roll in my new found hair.